


No proper scale to weigh a life

by Rosemary_and_Time



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, Blood, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Death, Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, No Romance, Philza is Wilbur and Tommy father, Recent events - Freeform, Spoilers, Tommy and Wilbur are brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28625946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosemary_and_Time/pseuds/Rosemary_and_Time
Summary: SPOILERS:  January 6th events in this story, be warned :DWhen Technoblade shot at Tommy he expected him to get out of the way.Tommy didn’t move.  Tubbo did though.Was anarchy worth this?
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Technoblade & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), No Romantic Relationship(s), Phil Watson & Technoblade - Relationship, Technoblade & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 230





	No proper scale to weigh a life

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILER WARNING FOR JANUARY 6TH!  
> You have been warned.
> 
> TW: blood, violence, death, anxiety, brief disassociation, mild unintentional self-injury (very brief, not graphic)

“Technoblade, if you care for me, listen to me now.” 

Techno turned to face his oldest ally, his closest friend, as they headed towards the city. The place that was soon-to-be a battlefield. Philza looked serious, unease belying his previous jovial tone as they had prepared for this attack. 

“What?” There wasn’t need for affirmation of care between the two of them, they knew each other too well for that to be necessary. The totem that was carefully secured near Philza’s heart was proof of it. Techno had no such protection, not that he needed it. Even in the very unlikely event that he got overwhelmed, that he was somehow killed, he still had all three lives. He would wake up safely in their home. 

Philza had no such reassurance. If he died—Techno refused to think about it. 

“You know that Tommy is on his last life too, don’t you?” Technoblade snorted an affirmation through his snout. Thinking of Tommy, who he had willingly brought into his fold, into his sounder, stung more than he cared to admit. The boy had turned on him as soon as he had his old friends back. Technoblade didn’t know what he had expected… but it hurt. 

It hurt to be used as a weapon again. He trod gently beside Phil, the only one who ever treated him as a person. It was a sounder of two again, and that was fine. That was fine.

“Techno, I don’t care how much gets destroyed, I want it all gone. This place took my sons from me, changed Wilbur into something unrecognizable, but I won’t lose Tommy too. Do you understand?” 

Techno understood. Fine. He had no plans on permanently killing anyone, despite how ruthless everyone saw him, that wasn’t part of his goals. Dream on the other hand…. He couldn’t be trusted.

Techno spared a glance at his companion as the older man adjusted the sling keeping his broken wings steady. The explosions Wilbur caused had permanently crippled his once magnificent wings. But nothing like that would happen today, Techno would make sure of it. 

Hopefully it wouldn’t be an issue, Dream was going to be focused on preparing the TNT droppers in the sky, Technoblade and Philza would be on the ground. It had been a long time since Techno had surrendered to his bloodrush in any meaningful way, he had no doubts he would be able to avoid killing those who wouldn’t come back from it. 

“Of course.” For a moment Technoblade allowed himself to pause, to fully turn and face his best friend in all the universe. 

“For you the world, Phil.”

* * *

Tubbo walked towards the bench, anxiety making his gut churn. Tommy had asked to sleep on everything, to meet today to talk about what had happened between them. Tubbo had hardly slept.

Between his guilt about what had happened to Tommy in exile, his hurt about what Tommy had said to him during their fight, and his stress of leading people into yet another war in just a few hours… it had been impossible to rest.

It was no wonder that the president of a threatened nation hesitated before he crested the hill, pausing on the path. Tommy could still be angry, he had every right to be. But Tubbo didn’t know he could face him if he was. 

If one more person told him how worthless he was, as a president and as a person, Tubbo was worried he would believe it entirely. Especially if it was Tommy. He forced himself to move on, dark blue eyes scanning until they spotted a familiar figure on the bench, already seated. Tommy half-turned and waved. Tubbo tried to force a smile as he approached. 

“Hey Tubbo.”

“Hello Tommy.”

The two boys, forced to become men far too early, stood for a long moment in silence, staring at each other. 

Tommy broke the silence first, looking away from the burn scars on Tubbo’s face and neck guiltily. He turned his blue eyes towards the horizon.

“I’m sorry Tubbo. I know… I know you had to exile me. I fucked up big time, and it wasn’t right of me to blame you for it.”

Tubbo was taken aback. Tommy was always right, that was a joke they often made, but it held a note of truth. Tommy never really admitted he was wrong, he justified and argued until he was red in the face, and that’s just the way he was. 

But before him stood his friend, and they were friends, even after everything. Tommy stood tall in front of the bench, blond hair blowing in the breeze. His eyes held remorse. Tubbo couldn’t hold himself back any longer.

“I’m sorry too Tommy, I should have found another way, or tried anything, or—”

“It’s okay Tubbo. It doesn’t matter now, right?” 

Tubbo nodded furiously, blinking away the tears that flooded his vision. Tommy was okay. They were together, this was all Tubbo had wanted. To see Tommy and have him not be angry with him. 

“Right.” Tubbo affirmed the words gladly, hesitatingly stepping towards Tommy as he did. There was a moment of awkwardness, then Tommy opened his arms, rolling his eyes ruefully.

Tubbo practically threw himself into his friend’s embrace, hugging him close.

“I missed you so much Tommy. Really, I thought you didn’t want me to visit or else I would have!” Tubbo’s words were muffled by his face being pressed into Tommy’s chest, but he was fairly certain the other boy got the message. When Tommy went to release his grip, Tubbo wrapped his arms tighter for a moment. 

He tried to let all the stress and anxiety wash away. Tommy was here. Tommy was his best friend. They would be going into battle together, and they would take care of each other. It would be okay.

“Clingy.” Tommy muttered the word with a smirking tone, and Tubbo finally released him, wiping the tears from his eyes. He was somewhat gratified when he saw his friend hastily doing the same. 

They both needed that hug. 

“Whatever happens today, we’re together, the past is in the past.”

“Exactly, you and me Tommy.”

“We can do this.”

The duo turned and went to gather their troops and allies. They had an hour before the battle would begin in earnest, and Tubbo knew they were going to need all the help they could get. 

But they were together. The thought comforted Tubbo as they walked back towards the fortress. They could stand together against the world.

And Tubbo wouldn’t lose Tommy again.

* * *

Philza couldn’t suppress a grin as he stood atop the glass roof of the apiary. 

L’Manburg was totally unprepared for their arrival. Already Technoblade was gathering attention, distracting from where Dream made cannons in the sky. It wasn’t that Philza was excited for the bloodshed and fighting that would occur, certainly not, but he would never be unhappy to see a well-crafted plan executed. And if nothing else, Dream was an excellent planner.

By giving L’Manburg’s government an exact time of attack he also gave them a false sense of security. Their surprise at the early arrival made a perfect smokescreen for what was really happening above their heads. 

Philza was no stranger to warfare, once upon a time he had ruled an empire alongside Technoblade. That was so long ago now it felt like a different world. Compared to that, this battle was nothing. It was much harder to establish a government than to topple one. 

The winged man double-checked his pouches of potions, he was invisible for now, but he didn’t want to risk being seen too early. Once Techno gave the signal he would release the withers, terrible beasts that would do their part in tearing the land apart. Their explosives wouldn’t just destroy, they would poison the ground itself. The country would be scorched to the point where nothing would ever grow again, nation or otherwise. 

Good.

This nation had taken his kids from him. Even now if Philza looked at his hands he would see red bloodstains that never washed off, forever tainting him with the memory of ending his eldest son’s life. 

The search for power, for control, for government had torn his family to pieces. He wanted to end it before it could happen again. Tommy was in too deep to be pulled out. He knew this was the extreme option, but it was all he had. This was the only way to get Tommy free from the nation that was ripping him apart. 

Philza saw its control winding around his son like chains, pulling him apart from his closest friend, and from his family. There was so little of his family left. He needed to free Tommy from it before it destroyed him. Before it made him someone unrecognizable.

Before it made him like Wilbur. 

Thus resolved, Philza only felt a small twinge of pain when Tommy started shouting and screaming, clearly distressed about the fighting that had only just begun. It would hurt him. Like removing a splinter or disinfecting a wound. But the father’s heart believed it was for the best.

This was the only way to save his remaining son. 

Technoblade gave the signal, and Philza let the true destruction begin.

This would be for the best.

* * *

Tommy desperately ducked and dodged through explosions of terrifying intensity. 

The landscape itself was getting increasingly treacherous as the withers rained devastation down upon the people fighting back. He winced as pain jolted through his ankles when he had to jump down a particularly steep incline. They had to keep moving, they had to group up. There were just so many.

Tommy leapt out from cover to shoot another arrow at the nearest wither, ducking when it turned its attention towards him, all three heads swiveling. The explosives shook the rock around him, but he stayed steady. 

“Come on! Everyone who can hear me, group up here! Tubbo where are you?” Tommy tried to rally the troops, beaten as they were, to take down the monsters. His mind raced when Tubbo didn’t immediately respond, he almost broke from cover to search for him. A vision of his best friend laying unconscious and bleeding somewhere sprung to mind unbidden.

“Here! I’m right next to you.” Tommy breathed a sigh of relief as Tubbo gripped his arm, the smaller boy’s dark blue eyes were reassuring. The few who managed to get there looked at him expectantly. There was Jack Manifold, Ponk, Sapnap, and of course Tubbo. Against…

Ten? Twelve withers? Maybe more.

Breathe. Focus. 

“We need to focus on one at a time and kill them. Ignore… ignore Techno for now, just stay away from him.” Technoblade was manically sprinting around the battlefield, firing his rockets at any non-wither movement. His presence was certainly making things… difficult. 

Additionally, Tommy didn’t like the look of the obsidian grid forming in the sky… but there was nothing he could do about that right now. He just had to focus. He had to lead.

“Let’s go!” 

Tommy led the way out of the scarce cover, Tubbo right beside him. They would fight together. They could do this! 

Sapnap fired arrows from his bow, wounding their chosen wither heavily. Tubbo charged and slashed at the monster as it neared the ground, fearlessly running directly beneath it. Jack Manifold took perhaps the most dangerous job, he intercepted Technoblade before he could stop them, drawing his attention away from the newly reformed group.

A wither fell and Tommy let out a shout of victory. It was a start! It was proof that this could work, that not all hope was lost! That his mistakes hadn’t screwed everything up irreparably, even now.

A terrible roar filled the air. 

Shockwaves knocked Tommy back, all the air pushed out of his lungs as he collided with hard earth.

For a moment he was stunned, uncomprehending of what was happening around him. His head spun as the earth itself seemed to recoil in agony. Explosives rained from above, impossible amounts poured onto the wounded city endlessly. The structures and hillsides simply melted away under the onslaught.

Tommy watched as his home was destroyed. 

The place he had fought and died for, not once, but twice.

The last connection he had to his older brother.

He screamed in rage, pushing himself to his feet, weapon forgotten on the ground in his haste to get at whoever was doing this. To stop it, to save anything—

Once he got a good look, finding a simple rock ledge to stand on, he realized it was futile. There was nothing left to save. It was gone. 

And then there was laughter. It filled his ears and turned his heart to boiling rage as it rose over the sounds of explosions. He spun to face the source with a fury approaching madness.

“Look at your country fall Tubbo, look at it fall!” Tommy faintly registered Tubbo standing on a slightly higher ledge off to his left, but his attention focused on the source of the mocking words. 

Technoblade.

The tusked warrior grinned wildly; pink hair blown around by explosions. He looked proud, almost smug. 

“Are you proud of this?! Are you proud of what you’ve done?” Tommy screeched at the man who had taken him in when exile became too much. The man who was now destroying everything he cared about a single piece at a time.

“Yes! Yes, I am Tommy, I’m very proud of this!” That bastard. Tommy gritted his teeth together with a vengeance.

“I thought you were my friend Technoblade, but you’re just selfish!” 

For a moment Tommy saw something dangerous pass across the other’s face, then it was masked as he shot back equally biting words. 

“Selfish? You’ve used me from the start Tommy! You’re wearing my helmet as we speak. You used me as a weapon! You’ve never thought of me as a friend Tommy!” 

Tommy almost stumbled backwards against the force of the accusations. No. That wasn’t right. 

“You are selfish, you destroy what people love for your own gain!” 

The laughter that tore out of Technoblade’s throat almost hurt to hear. It was equal parts uproarious, and furious. 

“You guys brought this upon yourselves. I was willing to live in my cottage and be chill and just farm turtles. But they hunted me down! And YOU. You saw me just as The Blade, that’s all I was to you, The Blade. Well guess what Tommy, I’m choosing what I fight for now!” 

That—

No.

Surely not. 

Tommy’s gaze flittered around the area as the nation became no more than rubble. Did he cause this? Was he just like Wilbur, in the end? 

He looked back as Technoblade raised a crossbow towards him, rockets loaded and ready to fire. 

Was this his fault? 

It—it

Tommy stood paralyzed.

There was a click as the rockets fired. Was this what he deserved? A fitting end for the last brother to destroy a nation…

“TOMMY!!” The scream was almost feral. Tommy saw stars as the explosion hit, but… it didn’t burn like he expected. Something was tossed into him, knocking him backwards and off the nearby edge into another crater below. His teeth clacked together with the impact, the force more painful than any burns. He wondered if the pain would come soon, if he would burn like Tubbo had, waking up screaming from nightmares of a fiery death.

Though he wouldn’t wake up like Tubbo had.

The pain never fully came. Tommy was bruised and hurt, but despite the weight on his chest he found he could move after a few moments. He carefully tried to sit up, hands pushing at something heavy and wet and warm—

No.

Please no, oh fuck, oh god no please

“Tubbo?”

His best friend lay across him, chest torn open for the second time with an explosion from the same weapon. The sounds and chaos around him faded to static as he pulled Tubbo to him, checking for any signs of life. 

Please…

Tubbo coughed weakly, painfully, as Tommy shifted him more upright. He was scorched and burnt, blood spilled out from the gap in his chest. No. 

“Tubbo no! Why Tubbo?! Why would you jump in front of me?” Tommy braced himself against the rock, cradling Tubbo to his chest desperately. Tears of pain filled Tubbo’s eyes, and Tommy could feel his own eyes dripping. 

He had seen enough war, enough injuries to know this wasn’t going to heal. If he had potions maybe… but he didn’t. Their stockpile had been destroyed right before the fight began, some unknown saboteur taking advantage of their lack of organization.

Tommy honestly didn’t expect a response, but when Tubbo spoke he listened more intently than he had ever listened to anything in his life. 

“You’re my best friend Tommy, and I—” Tubbo gasped, choking on pain and blood for a moment. “I promised myself I wouldn’t be without you at the end of all this.” 

Tommy didn’t wipe away the tears that dripped off his chin and nose, he needed both hands to keep Tubbo resting somewhat steadily in his lap, head lolling weakly against his shoulder. 

“That’s stupid Tubbo, that’s so fucking stupid!”

“I know.” Tubbo’s voice, weak as it was, held a trace of amusement. “But what’s the point of this all, if we can’t be together with the people we care about?” 

What was the point? Of everything? 

Was this worth loosing Tubbo? Were the disks worth losing Tubbo?

No.

“Tubbo please hang on okay? You can do it big man.” Tommy choked out the words, hating how Tubbo’s eyes got glassier every second. 

“Don’t leave me Tubbo.” Tommy gently rocked his friend against his chest, internally begging for help, for anyone to come and stop this. He would be in exile for a thousand years if Dream would come down and save Tubbo right now. 

“Tommy! Tommy it hurts, please—” Tubbo gasped for air, writhing in Tommy’s arms. 

“I know, I’m so sorry…” Tommy tried not to let himself start sobbing, forcing his voice to remain calm. For Tubbo. 

There was shouting, Tommy looked up hopefully as several figures converged around him. Every eye he met looked away, unable to meet his gaze. No one had any assistance to offer. Tubbo grew more frantic.

“Please Schlatt, don’t do this…” Tommy adjusted so he could run a hand through Tubbo hair, trying to draw him away from the old memories.

“Tubbo, I’m here, listen to my voice big man. You’re—” Tommy’s voice broke, he choked out a single sob before pulling himself together enough to continue. “You’re going to be fine. Once this is all over, we’ll go find somewhere nice, away from everything. And I’ll help you build the biggest bee farm ever, I’ll even collect flowers for you.” 

For a moment there was the barest trace of a smile visible on Tubbo’s face. 

“Do you like that idea?” Tommy latched onto the peaceful expression, trying to make it stay.

“Yeah.” Tubbo’s voice was so faint he had to strain to hear it. “That would be nice.” 

Tubbo always knew when he was lying, even now Tommy was sure he knew the truth. But Tubbo seemed to calm more anyway, growing increasingly limp in Tommy’s arms. 

Tubbo suddenly shuddered, Tommy whispered a thousand apologies, hoping that Tubbo would hear.

“Tommy, I’m cold…”

“It’s—It’s okay big man.” The tears were streaming down Tommy’s face like a river, endlessly pouring to mix with the blood-soaked ground. 

“I’m here. I’m right here, and I won’t be going anywhere.” As Tommy spoke, Tubbo took several shuddering breaths, before growing far too still. Far too silent.

“Tubbo?” Tommy dropped his head, hoping for breathing or a heartbeat or anything but the deafening silence. The explosions had petered off an indeterminate amount of time ago, Tommy didn’t notice when it happened. But now there was only silence to surround him as Tubbo lay motionless in his arms. 

“Tubbo please… no! Please Tubbo, don’t leave me! Not now, please, please—” Tommy’s words turned incomprehensible as he wailed, screaming his agonies to the world. 

His mind echoed endlessly as his throat ached.

Nothing was worth this.

* * *

“What have you done?” 

Technoblade spun as the door slammed open, hand dropping to the sword at his waist before he recognized the intruder. Philza stood framed in the setting sun, a silhouette of pure fury. 

Techno lowered his hands to his sides passively. He kept his face static, forcing all traces of emotion out of his voice when he responded. 

“Did he die?”

“What do you fucking think!?!” Technoblade flinched back as Philza lunged across the room, dark wings spread wider than Techno had seen in recent memory, emotions overriding the pain moving them caused. The older man’s blond hair fell across his face, his blue eyes were like daggers, piercing Technoblade more effectively than any arrow. 

Philza grabbed a handful of his collar, dragging Techno’s face close to his own. 

“You knew full well he wasn’t going to survive from the moment you pulled the trigger! Not with how little armor he had. You knew, and you shot anyway!” 

Technoblade slapped his friend’s hand away, pulling himself fully upright with a huff and practically towering over him. 

“I didn’t think he would just stand there, Phil. Besides—” Techno deliberately turned his back, unable to look at Phil’s face and maintain any air of aloofness. “Tommy didn’t die.”

For a moment there was only sputtering from behind Techno, his ally started half-formed words before abandoning them. It was fine. He didn’t kill Tommy, that was what they agreed, that was what Phil wanted.

“But he would have died!” Philza finally found the words to express himself, and they were laced with a sort of righteous anger Techno had heard many times before. Just never directed at him. “If Tubbo hadn’t jumped in front and saved him, Tommy would have died. You would have killed him.”

Technoblade let the silence fill the room as he continued sorting supplies into various chests. How could he even respond? Philza wasn’t wrong…

“Well? Say something!” Technoblade turned slowly, eyes meeting Philza’s blue ones. The man’s wings were fluffed in anger. 

“I gave him plenty of time to move out of the way. I never—” Techno recognized his voice taking on a slight pleading tone, but he allowed it. He was with Phil after all. “I never expected him to freeze like that, he never did when we were training.” 

“He was watching his home fall apart around him, of course he froze!! You didn’t need to shoot him, admit it, you were angry!”

That stung. Technoblade actually took a couple steps back, eyes widening. He was angry, he was, he felt betrayed and… hurt. But he didn’t mean to. 

“It was just a brief moment of misjudgment Phil. Just a miscalculation.” That was as close as Techno got to an apology. Phil would understand, he knew him better than anyone.

“That’s not good enough.” 

Or not. 

No…

Philza tightened his jaw visibly, tensing and taking a step back towards the doorway. Technoblade felt a rising surge of emotion. No, Phil can’t be leaving, it would be fine. 

“You pulled the trigger, and you destroyed any chance I ever have at reconciling with Tommy. He will never forgive me for helping you march into his home and kill his best friend, and I don’t blame him!!”

“No, Phil, come on, it wasn’t like that…”

“You should know more than anyone that intentions rarely matter Technoblade. We both learned that hard lesson a long time ago.”

Philza turned and stepped out onto the porch, gathering up a bag of his things where it lay on the stoop. Techno stepped out after him, feeling his heart rip as the man went to walk away. 

“Phil, please…”

For a moment his best friend hesitated, pausing where he stood in the snow. When he turned his eyes were filled with pain that mirrored Techno’s own. He felt just as torn as Techno did, it was obvious then. 

“I destroyed L’Manburg to prevent it from destroying Tommy like it had Wilbur. But Tommy is worse off now than before. I don’t regret it, I still think it was the right choice, but I regret giving you an opportunity to pull that trigger. It won’t happen again.” As he turned away Philza dropped something into the snow, gold and glowing. The totem glistened where it laid abandoned. 

They understood each other. Technoblade watched as Philza walked through the tundra, headed towards his son. Eventually he was out of sight, and then Techno broke. He slammed his door and enjoyed hearing it crack off the hinges. Next, he went for the chests and relished the way the wood splintered beneath his hands. Then glass bottles, filled and empty, it didn’t matter. Techno tossed them at the walls, at the floor, blindly taking his emotions out on anything he could touch. 

By the time he was tired out, his hands were bleeding, and his arms were sore. The main room of his house was a wreck, everything that wasn’t nailed down was torn to shreds. Technoblade sat hard on the floor and wrapped his arms around his head. 

Philza was gone. He was alone.

Technoblade was a sounder of one. 

* * *

Tommy fought tooth and nail, scratching and flailing like a rabid animal when people first tried to take Tubbo away from him. 

Even as his friend’s body grew cold and slightly stiff, Tommy clung to him, begging and pleading for him to come back. For Tubbo to stay with him. But he was gone. Tommy knew it, even if he didn’t want to believe it. 

The first voices that broke into his consciousness were those of Niki and Fundy, trying to get Tommy to give them Tubbo. He growled at them, cursing as he viscerally recoiled. They had abandoned the fight, they didn’t deserve to see Tubbo like this. No one did. No one could touch him. 

The next voice was deeper, choked with emotion. Tommy lifted his head to glare at the source.

“Tommy, can you hear me?” Dark eyes met his own, black hair held out of them by a strip of dirty cloth. Sapnap kneeled alongside him, having managed to get everyone to back off, even if they were not quite willing to disperse, at least getting some space. Tommy practically snarled when Sapnap reached out a hand, but slightly relaxed when it didn’t attempt to grab Tubbo.

Instead the slightly older man, still young himself, laid a hand on his shoulder, gently rubbing it in soothing circles. Sapnap was one of the people Tommy had fought with most in the past, but they had made amends. He wasn’t one of the people responsible for this. 

Unlike Tommy.

“Hey, Tommy, we should move.” Tommy tried to focus, his head really hurt, and he realized his leg was throbbing in waves of pain, intense now that the shock was wearing off. “You are hurt, you will drop him if you try to carry him.” 

Sapnap was right, but Tommy gritted his teeth in annoyance. Surely the least he could do was stay with him. Stay with Tubbo, even now. 

“If you let me carry him, we can go somewhere better. I promise I’ll walk right beside you, but you can’t stay here.” Sapnap’s voice was gentle and earnest. Tommy forced himself to release his grip on Tubbo’s body, allowing the other man to cradle the smaller boy to his chest. Sapnap stood, and Tubbo looked so small. 

Too small. Too young. Torn apart in every way.

Tommy painfully got to his feet, following closely as Sapnap led the way out of the crater. It was still early afternoon. So much had happened in the span of a few hours, so much had been lost. 

L’Manburg was gone, and Tommy knew it would never come back. Maybe that was for the best. 

Tubbo was gone. 

Tommy stumbled over the uneven terrain and jerked back when and arm grabbed him, helping him stay upright. The enderman hybrid towered over him, mismatched features looked devastated. Tommy was too pained to have room for empathy. In a burst of energy he pulled away, pushing tightly to Sapnap’s side and glaring fiercely. 

Behind Ranboo was essentially a procession, everyone following along. It made Tommy furious.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t any of you dare to come near us!! You’re all responsible! YOU ARE ALL AS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS AS TECHNOBLADE!” 

Tommy’s shoulders heaved with the exertion of shouting. His eyes filled with more tears, dripping down his face in a bloody, snotty mix. 

“We are all responsible.” Even Tommy himself. 

No one in the crowd objected. Several winced or broke into sobs, but Tommy didn’t care. He didn’t even try to make them go away as he continued walking with Sapnap from the ruins. They could follow. It was their fault this happened. 

Tommy laughed when they reached the top of the path where his old home, built into a hill, somehow remained. He wasn’t happy, he was just too tired, and the absurdity was crashing down on him all at once. Sapnap laid Tubbo on a bed within, and Tommy couldn’t stand any longer. He collapsed to the floor next to the bed, chuckling as tears ceaselessly fell from his eyes. 

The world started to fade away as he drifted into unconsciousness despite himself. 

Tubbo was gone. 

He was responsible.

* * *

Tommy woke up abruptly, jerking out of the blankets and onto his feet far too quickly. He immediately had to sit back down on the edge of the bed, as his vision spun and tunneled.

Someone must have put him here after he passed out. He winced as he touched the bandages around his head; they had treated his wounds too, apparently. For a moment he was confused, trying to remember how he got back to his house after Technoblade shot him… how did he survive?

Oh. 

The brief respite from grief crumbled around him as memories resurfaced. Tubbo was gone. Tubbo had jumped in front of the rocket to save him, despite knowing more than anyone what his actions meant. Tommy pressed his palms to his face, trying to steady his breathing. He jerked up when the door creaked open.

“I thought I heard you moving around in here, how are you doing?” Sapnap was framed by torchlight, leaning against the doorframe. Tommy pursed his lips and glowered, the other man’s face flushed with embarrassment. 

“Okay, you’re right, stupid question.” 

Tommy managed to stay on his feet this time, plodding heavily into the front room and pushing past Sapnap. 

“How long was I asleep?”

“Twelve hours or so. You needed the rest.” 

Twelve hours since Tubbo died. Tommy looked out the window as the sun started to rise, casting beams of light across the bench out front. Sapnap stood awkwardly nearby, not knowing what to do. 

“I… I went ahead and had a casket brought here, uh, so whenever you’re ready we can… or you can! You know, whatever you want.” Sapnap stuttered, tripping over himself. Tommy scoffed. 

He didn’t want anyone to be there. No one deserved to have the closure of a funeral. Not when they had caused his death. No, Tommy would have Sapnap help him carry the coffin, and he would bury Tubbo himself. Just the two of them. 

He opened his mouth to declare his plans, then he hesitated. 

That was what Tommy wanted. 

But… it wasn’t what Tubbo would have wanted. 

“Can you get everyone a message Sapnap?” Tommy turned with tired eyes and regarded the dark-haired man. Sapnap nodded immediately. 

“Let them know the funeral will be tomorrow morning and… and…” Tommy exhaled heavily. He was just as responsible as them. What Tubbo would have wanted. “They are all invited. Except for Dream, Technoblade, and Philza. They aren’t welcome.” 

Sapnap nodded his understanding with pained eyes, already gathering some food together for what would be a several hour endeavor. 

“Where should I tell them it is?”

That wasn’t a question Tommy was prepared to answer. He frowned, considering the options, before giving Sapnap an easy directive. 

“Tell them we will meet here and walk to the spot all together.”

That would give him some time to figure it out. Sapnap left without another word, obviously happy to have a clear task. Tommy tried to focus on the necessity of his own plans. 

It was easier than he expected. Tommy felt numb, almost stuck in disbelief, as if his emotions hadn’t fully caught up to the new shape of reality. A reality where Tubbo was gone. Tommy started walking down the path, towards the area that once had been L’Manburg. 

Now it was just crater upon crater, endless ruins as far as he could see. 

In the span of twenty-four hours Tommy had lost so much. 

But this wasn’t a place for Tubbo to be laid to rest. Even if the nation still stood, Tubbo wouldn’t want to be buried here. It was a place of pressure and violence, a country of wars without end. It still hurt to lose it, but it hurt losing Tubbo more. 

Tommy turned on his heel, returning towards his home. A bench came into view, facing the sunrise. Tommy approached it reverently, remembering a recent hug he would never experience again. They were so hopeful then. Foolish maybe. 

Tommy sank to the ground beside the bench, leaning against the tree. 

“What do you think Tubbo? I could come sit and it would almost be like—like I was here with you, listening to those music disks again.” Tommy knew he was only talking to himself, and he didn’t care. A cold breeze blew over the hillside, wafting his hair into his face. 

Maybe this place had too many memories. It was so close to everything… this wasn’t right either. Tommy felt the knowledge in his bones, this wasn’t the right place. 

He reluctantly stood, hesitant to leave behind the special location behind. 

Several hours were spend just walking, finding and rejecting places to bury Tubbo. Nothing was right. Nowhere was good enough for his best friend. Eventually Tommy found himself wandering aimlessly in the forest, only absently keeping a watch out for hostile mobs. He didn’t really care much anyway. 

Suddenly there was a buzzing sound, loud as it whirled annoyingly around his head. Tommy huffed and tried to shoo the insect away, annoyed at the bee’s persistence. Again and again it bumped into him, bumbling it’s way around the woods. Absently Tommy followed, more out of lack of direction than anything. 

There was a burst of light as Tommy entered a clearing, the bee happily flying over to its hive amongst the flowers. The sun shone down in bright rays of golden light as Tommy looked around. For the first time in a long while, he felt peaceful. 

Tommy spent most of the day in that clearing. It was only when he left that he realized he had accomplished his goal. This would be the place. 

It was bright and beautiful, so full of life and energy, there couldn’t be a better place to lay Tubbo to rest. He would want to be away from everything. And there was room for a bench, so Tommy could visit. 

It would be a place of peace.

* * *

Nearly everyone was there for the procession the following morning. Only the three people deliberately excluded for everyone’s comfort were absent. Tommy was almost overwhelmed by the pure number of them. Some faces were harder to see than others, some people made him want to draw a weapon then and there. 

But he continued to remind himself. This wasn’t for him. This was about Tubbo. 

Tommy tried to hold himself together as he led the way to the site, tried not to think about the terrible ache in his chest, as if the fireworks had ripped a hole in him when they did the same to Tubbo. He focused on leading the way, on keeping his side of the casket steady. 

He had let Sapnap take the other side on the front and allowed Ranboo and AweSamdude to take the rear. Only the four of them knew where they were going. There were appreciative gasps as everyone entered the beautiful field, just as peaceful as Tommy had remembered it. He noted that people were being careful not to crush the flowers underfoot. Good. 

With deliberate care they laid the coffin down under a tree, the hole in the ground prepared ahead of time. But first…

Tommy turned and looked at the group assembled before him. They all looked like shit. He was certain he did as well. 

“Hello.” Everyone lapsed into silence as Tommy addressed them, he had to fight not to shrink back from their expectant gaze. “Um, I’m not good at speeches. I’m pretty shit at them actually. So, I’m just going to say what I think Tubbo would.”

Tommy took several deep breaths, grateful that no one rushed him. He focused on looking at the flowers and bees. 

“We are all to blame, we all caused this to happen in different ways. I’m not going to call anyone out because… well. It’s pointless now.” A murmur went through the crowd. No one voiced disagreement. Tommy willed himself to stay strong for a minute longer. “He wouldn’t want us to focus on that.”

Tommy’s voice broke, and he hated himself as he started to cry in front of everyone. He pushed himself through it. 

“He always wanted everyone to get along, to be at peace and notice the things that bring us together. Even after the war for L’Manburg he wanted both sides to be at peace with each other. He didn’t… he didn’t hold grudges. Tubbo forgave too easily, far too easily, but… we should try to be like him now.”

There. Tommy thought he said what Tubbo would have wanted him to. He didn’t feel it entirely, he was still angry, but he had done it. He would try. 

Tommy sank to the ground and sobbed as everyone paid their respects. He didn’t listen to the words people spoke as they passed by the coffin, but after a few minutes everyone was in tears. 

The wooden box was lowered into the ground and the group took turns shoveling dirt on top of it. Tommy could barely hold the shovel, but he managed. The rest of the funeral was nothing more than a blur for him. Eventually people started leaving, going back to their own homes. Tommy remained by the grave. 

“I’m so sorry Tubbo. I wish I had been a better friend.” There was no gravestone on front of the newly overturned dirt, but Tommy didn’t think Tubbo would mind. There was a nice tree there to mark the place and Tommy was already thinking of where to put the bench and how to plant some flowers. 

Eventually Tommy had cried himself completely out of energy. 

His best friend was gone. What else could be expected?

* * *

Philza kneeled before a rough grave, one hand resting on the dirt, the other holding a bundle of flowers. 

He whispered apologies to a boy who would never hear them. 

Phil was so focused on paying his respects for a life ended far too early, that he didn’t hear soft footsteps approaching in time to get away. The footsteps stopped suddenly on the edge of the clearing, and Philza silently hoped whoever it was would just go away. He wasn’t doing any harm.

“What the FUCK do you think you’re doing here?!” Philza was on his feet in a flash, desperate to see his son. Tommy stood across the clearing from him, eyes hard like ice as he glared daggers. 

“I… I wanted to pay my respects.” Philza raised his hands, making it as clear as he could that he wasn’t here to fight. Tommy grasped at an empty belt, the boy uncharacteristically had no weapons strapped there, for which Phil was abundantly grateful. 

“What gives you the right to come here now?” Tommy’s shoulders heaved as he spat out the words, taking a step forward. 

“You’re right Tommy. I have no right to be here. I will go.” Philza stepped away from the grave, ducking his head peacefully. 

Tommy looked taken aback, as if he expected much more of a fight. The tall boy almost seemed to deflate, eyes growing distant for a long moment. He shook himself roughly as if to clear his head. For a moment Tommy was the spitting image of Wilbur, conflicted and upset, emotions visible on his face. Philza felt tears creep into his eyes. 

“Whatever. Just don’t come around when I’m here, I don’t want to see you.” Tommy practically growled, but some of the venom was gone from his tone. He didn’t sound defeated and worn like he had after exile, he sounded… contemplative. Like he was making an effort to allow Philza there, not like he was surrendering. 

“Thank you Tommy.” There was a long silence that only the buzzing of bees and trees swaying in the breeze filled. 

As Philza went to walk away, he hesitated between the trees, turning back he saw Tommy sitting on the bench by the grave. He looked like he was talking.

Tommy’s cheeks glimmered with tears, but there was a peaceful expression on his face. 

There would be no more war, no more power struggles. Philza’s last remaining son would be safe. 

Was it worth it?

**Author's Note:**

> I knew I had to write this from the moment I watched the streams... at the expense of some sleep, but it was worth it.  
> Let me know what you thought of this story if you want, I love reading comments, like so much.  
> Anyways, this was an emotional journey here... I feel sympathy for every character...
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, thank you for reading!!  
> \--R&T


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